Spoilers: Up to 2x06
Summary: Hummel will get it. Hummel has to get it.
Notes: Title from Anna Nalick's Consider This.
He’s not into Kurt Hummel.
No, really, he’s not in denial or some bullshit like that, he just honest to God is not crushing on the kid.
Although, sometimes he kind of wishes he was. Kurt is soft and small and feminine, and it would be so much easier to explain away (“Dude, Hummel’s such a fucking girl, it’s not my fault he makes me think about him the same way.”) A while back, he’d actually tried, with a desperation that made him sick, to get the hots for Hummel, because liking someone who’s practically a girl is only one step away from liking an actual girl, and if he could make himself crush on even a freak like Tina Cohen-Chang, everything would be okay.
But he couldn’t, and nights spent imagining Kurt’s mouth around his cock, small, dainty hands all over him only left Dave frustrated and unsatisfied and tired the next morning. He doesn’t want to be, but he’s attracted to normal guys, masculine guys, everyday kind of guys who wear jeans and sneakers to school, and who can talk about sports as easily as breathing. That new kid, Sam, had practically blown his mind the first time Dave saw his mouth, but then he’d started dating that bitch Cheerio Quinn, and Dave wasn’t thinking about it anyway.
He hates Hummel for all those clichéd fucking reasons; that he’s different, that he reminds Dave every time he sees him of what he is, that he’s brave enough to be out and proud when Dave isn’t. But mostly he hates him because he’s got a father who understands, and friends who don’t hate him for it, and for being allowed to be gay. Dave’s had a secret that’s been eating him up for years now, and nobody’s guessed, nobody’s even asked even though Dave has never even had a girlfriend, and he can’t help thinking that maybe it’s because they don’t care.
And fucking Hummel thinks he’s got it bad.
So he shoves the kid into lockers when he sees him – may as well give to something to actually angst out over, and maybe Dave will even get his own mournful, self-pitying song in that freak club Hummel belongs to – and every time he does it, Kurt gives him these looks, as though he knows what’s going on. Dave knows what it looks like, and he’s glad for it – he wants the other guys to keep on thinking he hates the little gay kid, because he doesn’t want to think about what would happen if they knew – but those looks Hummel gives him just piss him off to no end.
He’s sick of his secret, and there’s only one person he can think of to tell. Hummel would get it, he thinks, he would the one person who wouldn’t freak out, or laugh, or spread rumours that would get him kicked off the hockey team and hated by all his friends. He’s already sure that one day he’s going to tell Hummel, and he can imagine how it’ll go down: he’ll say the words, and the kid will understand everything he’s going through, and just like that the burden will be lifted. He’d never admit it, but it’s kind of like a mantra, something that he can remind himself of when it gets too bad, Hummel will get it, Hummel has to get it, and it helps because then he remembers he’s not so fucking alone. Only he’s still too scared, and he falls back on what he knows best.
But then something happens, and he must go too far because the kid actually follows him one day; comes right into the locker room and gets all up in Dave’s face as if he’s not even scared. He’s shouting at Dave, calling him names he doesn’t understand and Dave wants to scream it, wants to tell him I’m just like you, can’t you understand, this is why I have to do this, and underneath that there’s help me, please, but he still can’t say the word ‘gay’ without a derogatory comment behind it, and the rest needs to stay in his head.
He can’t say it, can’t make Hummel understand with words, so he makes him understand with actions instead.
It’s not so much a conscious decision; he only realizes when he’s got his lips pressed against Kurt’s that he’s actually kissing him, and it’s kind of nice, but not amazing. He pulls back, and waits, and Kurt doesn’t say anything, or even fucking move, and maybe he hasn’t got the message yet, so Dave leans back in to show him again.
But Kurt puts his hands up and pushes him backwards, and he backs away from Dave. His hand is over his mouth, and his eyes are huge, and he looks terrified, and Dave knows, in just one instant, that Kurt hasn’t got it at all.